Of Sausages and Straws
by Zeff N Company
Summary: FtSKM: The grapevine runs amok with news that Cloud and Squall are an item, and Zack with his sidekick Zell takes it upon his shoulders to teach the new couple a thing or two over lunch. Heavily Implied!CLC


_Originally written for Strifehart Kink Meme._

_Prompt: Highschool AU. Zack has just heard through the grapevine that his ickle underclassman friend (Cloud) has a boyfriend (Squall) and starts giving him sex tips out of the blue at lunch. How to give great head, pros & cons of various condoms, etc. Cloud is mortified and sputtering but secretly takes note of everything. (Or, alternately, Zell doing the same to Squall.)_

_As it turns out, I did both. It was funnier that way._

_Just a little something lighthearted, but rated just in case.  
_

* * *

"You guys know it's a really bad idea to sit like that, right?"

Two heads bobbed up at the question, though neither offered an answer. Instead, Cloud returned to his soup, and Squall returned to his sandwich. Huffing indignantly, Yuffie slid herself smartly into the seat opposite them. She refused to go ignored, and finally Squall caved in.

"Fine… What's wrong with how we're sitting?"

"Well…" Yuffie started dramatically, a Cheshire grin upon her face as she pointed out, "you're sitting together."

Both teenagers paused in their eating long enough to turn their heads and look directly at each other for a total of five seconds. Then they turned back to their food, shrugged and dug back in.

"So?" Cloud asked between sips. "We've always sat together. This _is_ our usual table, after all."

"_No_," Yuffie insisted eagerly. "Not just together, _together_."

"… And there's a difference."

"There's so-o-o-o-o much difference," the self-proclaimed ninja declared. "Usually, you sit facing each other, don't you? Now, you sit side by side. You're practically touching."

"So? What about it?" Squall countered.

"You sit like a couple," Yuffie accused.

"And you don't know what you're talking about," Cloud retorted.

A short way away from them, Biggs and Wedge were starting to regret picking the edge of the table for their meal. Ignoring the poor pair of unwilling spectators, Yuffie jabbed a French fry in the direction of the two before her.

"Admit it!" she demanded hotly. "I know your horrible secret! You're seeing each other!"

One table behind them, Selphie's group raised their heads and swiveled around like a flock of birds on the alert. Then they swooped down again and started whispering excitedly amongst themselves. Biggs and Wedge paled even further and got up to hurriedly take their leave, Wedge all the while muttering something that sounded like, "Run away, _run away_…!"

Ten seconds later, two different people jumped upon the vacated spots quickly and made themselves right at home. At Cloud and Squall's confused stares, they sported equal grins. Except one seemed a little more forced than the other.

"Uh…"

"Heya," Zack greeted cheerfully. "_So_, we heard from Tifa who heard from Aerith who heard from Demyx who heard from Marluxia who heard from Reno who heard from Larxene who heard from Kairi who heard from…"

Even before the sentence was halfway through, both realized something was very, very wrong.

"…that the two of you are seeing each other," Zack finished with a flair.

Cloud leveled a glare at Yuffie before turning to his friend. "Look, Zack, we-"

"Say no more, little buddy, say no more," the older youth interrupted, still grinning a little too eagerly for comfort. He seemed to sober a little as he leaned forward and gripped Cloud's shoulder in a show of support. "I'm happy for you, man. I am behind you a hundred percent. So!" he went on immediately, leaving the other no room for protest, "as a show of my undying support for your happiness, I'm going to teach you what every man should know when it comes to pleasing his significant other. _For example..._"

And then the young man stripped a hot dog of its bun and held it up crudely between two fingers and a thumb, "… See this sausage? Pretend it is Squall's. Now your mission is to make this flaccid length of meat thicker and perkier than it usually is."

Not entirely sure he was understanding what he was hearing, Squall wondered instead how any part of that sentence could make the blond beside him turn so very red. Before he could comment on it, Zell had an arm around him. He was leaning in a little as well, but he seemed a lot more nervous and flushed than the other intruder.

"So, uh, Squall," he started uneasily, "just so you know, uh, I think you got this covered. But, uh, you know, just to be on the safe side…"

The brunet looked down at what the other was holding up.

"… That's a straw," he declared flatly.

"Uh huh," Zell agreed, "and your job is to stick your straw, well, into Cloud's… that is, this cup's… uh… entrance."

Beside them, Cloud dropped his spoon with an impactful splatter of soup every way. That spoon submerged completely and was never to be seen again. Having not moved at all from where she sat, Yuffie was doubled over with unrestrained laughter. Both impromptu instructors ignored her and went on with their lessons.

"Don't get hasty," Zack cautioned, "I know Squall's sausage will look fantastic and tasty, but trust me, you'll want to get your hands on it first, get it all nice, warm, toasty and ready for you. Now, you put your hand like this," – and he demonstrated on the innocent hot dog, moving his fingers up and down in a pumping motion – "and slowly, slowly just rub it up and down, and up and down…"

"Don't force the straw in if you meet resistance," Zell was advising just next to him, "Be gentle, and mind that you don't hurt his feelings."

"The cup has feelings?" Squall asked, his expression torn between being confused and being appalled.

"No, _Cloud_. The cup is Cloud, and that is his hole you're sticking your… well, straw into. Work with me here…"

Zack continued to tell a sputtering, highly agitated Cloud about how to make a sausage "very happy".

Zell continued to tell a clueless, mildly irritated Squall about how to make a straw enter a cup in the gentlest, nicest and most gallant way possible.

Yuffie couldn't breathe because she was laughing too hard.

"Once you get the sausage ready, you'll know it by the white stuff, and that's when you lean forward, and get your tongue out, and circle it for that first taste…"

"Once the straw makes it through the initial barrier, _slowly_ push it inward. Pace yourself, listen to the noises that are made, so you'll know if you're going too fast…"

"Always lick it before you suck it…"

"Be sure to pull out just a little now and then…"

"And then…"

"And then…"

"_ENOUGH!_"

The entire cafeteria fell silent at Cloud's outburst. The poor embarrassed teen now had a flush that spread from head to toe. Zack now had the sausage partway toward his own opened mouth, and Zell had jammed the straw fully into the cup in his moment of shock. Squall was staring at him blankly, and Yuffie had progressed to rolling about the floor.

Sputtering a final time, Cloud scrambled from his seat and – pausing long enough to grab Squall by the ruff of his jacket – made a beeline straight for the exit. In the few seconds after they left, the students went back to talking amongst themselves as if nothing had happened.

Zell decided he was not comfortable holding the cup anymore, and slowly pushed it away from him. "… Are you sure that worked?"

"Oh yeah," Zack affirmed, spinning the thin tube of processed meat in his hands. "They're probably putting our teachings to use right now as we speak. Want a hot dog?"

Without even pausing to think, Zell retrieved the abandoned bun and accepted the sausage back upon it. "Thanks."

_

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Shameless advertisement: If you'd like to prompt me to write something Cleon/Strifehart for you, drop by the Strifehart Kink Meme (http: //community. livejournal. com/ cleonrp/ 2723. html__). The ones I like better will end up back here for your reading pleasure._


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